Satire: Donald Rumsfeld & Little Richard’sUncle
by Harold Bridgeman
"Never believe your lying ears"
The recent departure from the administration of Mr. Donald Rumsfeld has prompted some thought and reflection. One wonders if there are any past events or circumstances that might be informative with regard to this matter. The event does not necessarily have to be similar or related but only offer some instruction or insight. It occurred to me that an observation of Little Richard’s might be fruitful. For those who never knew of the observation and for those who may have forgotten, a short review is offered.
Many people believe the stealth and tactile maneuver executed by Little Richard’s uncle has risen to the stuff of legend. According to Richard, his Uncle Tom while in the company of one, Long Tall Sally saw his Aunt Mary coming and he ducked back in the alley. Hearing of this event the most open minded and forgiving among us will of course make the most positive assumptions. Those assumptions in all likelihood might be that in order to avoid even the appearance of domestic impropriety and to spare Aunt Mary even the slightest discomfort, Uncle Tom had acted in a prudent and thoughtful manner.
"Little Richard’s Uncle Tom, while in the company of Long Tall Sally, saw his Aunt Mary coming and he ducked back in the alley."
Finally there are groups of people who reach their conclusions about a person’s behavior based upon as many objective facts as they can muster. It is a fact Uncle Tom told Aunt Mary he would be at the church men’s choir practice until 10 P.M. – but it was 8 P.M. when he ducked back in the alley. It is a fact the alley into which Uncle ducked was around the corner from Long Tall Sally’s apartment. It is a fact Uncle Tom has been a philanderer for as long as he has been married to Aunt Mary as her frequent threats of divorce will attest. Lastly, it is a fact everyone in the neighborhood knows Sally to be a woman of questionable virtue and who in keeping with a commitment to fundamental neo-liberal economic arrangements as well as a market driven ethos has placed a negotiable value on that virtue.
Reluctantly people of the most generous nature who nevertheless yield to objective facts would conclude Uncle Tom had been involved in low crimes and petty misdemeanors. In fact a neighbor of Sally’s who lived directly across the courtyard had taken a photograph of Uncle Tom and Sally in flagrante delicto.
"Was Uncle Tom merely hiding the appearance of domestic impropriety?"
Of course Uncle Tom and Sally, having been employed in the “spin and refocus” industry for many years and who were in fact it’s consummate practitioners, mounted a vigorous rebuttal. Tom claimed he had not been a practicing philanderer but a very friendly and outgoing person who happened to have many female friends. He did admit to once being a philanderer but therapy and Philanderer’s Anonymous had kept him on the straight and narrow. He also pointed out he told Aunt Mary choir practice would end at 7 and not 10 P.M. He even suggested Aunt Mary had an irritating habit of always believing her lying ears. Additionally Tom stated he did stop to have a cocktail after choir practice and happened to innocently walk out of the bar at the same time as Sally. Finally he reported he had a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder and was compelled to duck into alleys whenever he passed one.
Sally was incensed by the direct attack on her character and reputation. She pointed out a group women with whom she was employed were jealous of her beauty and height. Her ability to attract men that these other women desired was an ongoing source of anger and resentment among them and they had deliberately spread scurrilous rumors about her. With regard to the photograph, Sally reported it was the picture of the man to whom she was to be married. He was an employee of the International Monetary Fund who had been out of the country and unavailable for comment at the time. She did admit the gentleman in question bore a remarkable resemblance to Uncle Tom.
"Long Tall Sally was incensed by the direct attack on her character and reputation."
The above leads to the appearance of the insight for which this review was intended: Uncle Tom is an unnamed, behind the scenes advisor to the current Administration and in fact orchestrated the departure of Mr. Rumsfeld as an elaborate stealth move; the political equivalent of a ducking back in the alley if you will. Of course it must be openly stated that there are no corroborating facts at this time and this is only speculation. But if such facts are forthcoming and Uncle Tom is in fact in the employ of the Administration then the general public should be instructed to expect Uncle Tom’s signature spin. Such spin would be expected to include but not be limited to the following:
There is no such thing as an objective fact. Facts are the creation of an out of control, non-patriotic, soft on terrorism, non-Christian, abortion loving, equality seeking, peace mongering, light in the loafer, tree hugging, global warming preaching, intelligent design doubting, honest elections promoting, Ku Klux Klan hating group of starry eyed lovers of facts who grew up in families with no values.
Harold Bridgeman is a writer living in St. Paul, Minnesota. He can be contacted at Hbridging@aol.com
Copyright 2006 Harold Bridgeman